The reason that we get stuck is because when we are stressed or overstretched, we usually resort to default patterns. These habitual patterns of behaviour are always a response to unmet needs. But it can come out as yelling and snapping or withdrawing and numbing out or full blown meltdowns (ours and our children’s!)

Once we start to dig deeper, we see what lies underneath behaviour patterns - the beliefs, thoughts, feelings and needs that are triggering the behaviour.

For example - a young 5 year old child who is hitting you might actually be feeling disconnected from you - they can’t communicate this feeling so hitting is their way of saying ‘I need to connect’! If the child is punished, yelled at or sent to their room, this can re-inforce the disconnection and can lead to power struggles or getting stuck in a cycle of dis-regulated behaviour.

If a parent finds themselves withdrawing or becoming controlling in order to avoid conflict, it may be because they had to suppress their feelings when they were a child and they weren’t shown safe ways to express emotions. Big emotions feel pretty scary - so this instinctive pattern of reacting has stuck. The core underlying need might be a need to feel safe and so the reaction of withdrawing or controlling is a coping mechanism to try and get that need met.

There is no judgement here - these are normal reactions.

What can we do about it?

The very first step is to get curious. When we start to understand ourselves and our children more deeply, everyone’s needs, reactions and behaviours start to make sense. When things make sense it is a real relief.

When we add compassion as well as curiosity, shifts really start to happen and new patterns of behaviour can be created step by step. We can get more creative with our parenting tools rather than defaulting back to our conditioned responses in ways that keep us stuck.

If we can help our children understand themselves better, they will feel seen, safe and supported and that will help them to thrive.

If you would like support so that you no longer feel stuck, you can try one of my courses or join us on Sundays for The Pause - a guided session to help parents reflect, rest and focus on what really matters.