Most people grew up with the ‘power over’ parenting style that tends to focus on fixing children’s behaviour. Tools such as punishments, rewards and consequences are used to teach children how to behave. This is the norm.

Often this can result in good behaviour and compliance on the outside, but our children can carry a lot of shame, anger, anxiety and resentment on the inside. This is because using our ‘power’ to get them to comply creates a disconnection with our children. If you experienced this kind of parenting as a child, do you remember how you felt?

Permissive or ‘power under’ parenting can also create problems. Taking a passive approach by having unclear boundaries, avoiding difficult conversations, suppressing feelings and giving in when things get difficult doesn’t model emotional resilience to our kids and doesn’t help them feel secure. If you experienced this kind of parenting as a child, do you notice the impact on you now?

So what is the answer? There is a way to parent differently and it looks like this:

- Prioritising connection over compliance.

- Tuning in to your child so that they feel seen and heard

- Looking beneath the surface of behaviour to understand what is really causing it

- Having clear boundaries rooted in values that make sense to you and your child

- Setting realistic expectations that recognise where children are at developmentally

- Using authentic communication instead of coercion, punishments or rewards

- Focusing on what really matters

AND doing this is not easy at all!

More often than not you can end up slipping into default patterns that were imprinted on you from your own childhood. You can end up parenting from a place of fear. So there is a degree of re-wiring that needs to take place while you learn how to parent differently - from a place of trust.

If this is something you would like to explore, a good place to start is my short course on how to help your child manage their BIG feelings. This shifts the focus from compliance to regulation which is a gamechanger. The course gives you the 5 key practices that make the biggest difference in helping your child grow up feeling emotionally resilient, confident and good about themselves on the inside.