Often these strategies seem to work in the short term and can often result in compliance on the surface. However they can come back to bite us in the form of other unwanted behaviour down the line.

The reason lies in a sequence of events that starts with a process called neuroception. Neuroception is our nervous system’s radar that operates unconsciously moment to moment.

It detects cues of safety and cues of danger in our environment and between us and other people.

Punishments, sanctions and even rewards all send danger cues to our child’s nervous system.

This is because they signal judgement, coercion, manipulation or evaluation - often resulting in compliance out of fear or shame. They also send a message loud and clear that it is not ok to make mistakes. Deep down, this makes our children feel unsafe and sets up a disconnection between us and them.

Disconnection from a parent is perceived as a real threat to our child’s nervous system and triggers their brain into survival mode. When that happens, their brain enters one of the following modes:

- Fight mode: yelling, crying, hitting, full blown meltdown territory

- Flight mode: stomping off, slamming doors, running away, fidgeting, restlessness

- Freeze mode: withdrawn, sulking, whining, floppy, not wanting to move, stubbornness

- Fawn mode: people pleasing, anxious, hyper vigilant

Once their brain is in survival mode, their ability to think rationally or listen to reason goes offline. If this happens regularly, this can result in chronic, ongoing behaviour issues and power struggles.

So what do we do instead?

My short course is designed to support parents to take a different approach. One that prioritises connection and trust so that you can raise emotionally regulated and resilient children without using punishments or rewards and without compromising your values.

The course looks at the real and often surprising reasons underneath children’s behaviour. I give you tools and practices to resolve any behaviour issue in a way that feels good and actually works. Details below.